My life is a constant juggling act: baby, husband, work, grad school, church, life, family. I make faulty priority lists, and something always gets left behind. Right now, it's my house. Thankfully, my meager salary as a public school teacher keeps my house from being featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive.
I will never be able to "Have It All." I think having it all is a lie, and Facebook is the tool of liars. I know I should not compare to others (especially to people I'm apathetic towards in real life), but when I see posts from stay-at-home moms about how developed, how smart, how snowflake-like their child is as they capture filtered moments in clean houses of organic, GMO-free, gluten-free, preservative-free, dusted with unicorn farts food, I can't help but to feel inadequate. Posts about how this person is so thankful for her medicine-free birth (what she has dreamed of since she was a child!) or about how this person would never let the poison of formula near her angel's face hole (#breastisbest #organiclife #imabettermommythanyousosuckit) do cause tiny stabs of inadequacy to pierce my heart.
Most of the time, comparisons do not bother me. I need to drop roughly a bazillion pounds, but I'm hella sexy. I'm smart. I'm successful at my job. I have an awesome husband. My baby is the cutest, smartest, estest baby ever. But, mommy-guilt is very real for me. I feel like a failure almost every day for something or another. My child has to drink formula while I was at work because pumping does not work for me. I don't always make Ish baby food fresh from fairy circles. Sometimes, he has to eat from the dreaded baby food jar. His tiny hiney is wrapped in a disposable diaper instead of organic cotton (#bestforbaby #ihavetimetodoatonoflaundryeveryday).
The icing on the cake (I'm on a diet, so icing is on my mind a lot) is that I think these moms are purposefully posting the silver lining of their lives. I think making others feel less-than-worthy boosts their sense of self-worth. Facebook is their PR, so they carefully craft a perfect image (no perfect image is complete without snarky hashtags, #amiright?) I value genuineness, so my facades are less-purposeful, less caked on (again, diet). I try hard to be myself, to love myself despite (and maybe because of) my flaws.
I am no theologian, but I eschew facades because I think they do more harm than good from Christian perspective. We are not perfect. People are not perfect. From my own experiences, I have felt that since I cannot live up to the perfection of Perky Peggy, Cardigan Karen, or little Suzy Homemaker I am not good enough for God. I am not good enough to be a Christian. I was using a false measuring stick. I am human. I am genuine. I am trying to be better. My struggles are real, and I want to share them with others to encourage them. (BTW: The struggle of being sooooooo pretty that you're a stumbling block for helpless men is not a real struggle, but that's for another post.)
