Do You Think I'm a Misogynist?

You asked me this question, repeatedly. My hands were shaking. I had never seen you so angry. In fact, before that Wednesday night, I didn't know you could get angry. I was caught off-guard. I was coming to you as a member of your church, a member who felt marginalized, a member who was worried about her church. I kept saying, "No, of course not," but you kept asking. Again. And again. My response has since changed. I know you will never read this, but while the rest of the church keeps your pedestal waxed and shined, despite the fact that you abandoned your flock, I need to release the answer that has been burning within me for two months. 

A year ago, I called out a Facebook post you published which implied that the only reason there was a scandal with the Duggars was because "the liberal media" was out to get Christians. I vehemently opposed the idea that the predator who preyed on the innocent was a victim of media distortion. I was called names, and my Christianity was questioned because I dared to disagree with the pastor. You brushed aside the abuse of children. You allowed other professing Christians on your Facebook to denigrate me because I would not allow the innocent to be used as props. 

Before that time, I recently found out, my mother, the foremost Biblical scholar in your congregation, sought you out after church to ask you a question about the message. She was analyzing potential symbolism of Jacob's wives. Not only did you not answer her question, you dismissed her as an annoyance, saying she was, "always asking questions." Now, I have some questions for you: Are you intimidated by my mother? By the sweet woman who is always in the nursery, changing diapers, singing songs, and loving the most vulnerable? What if my father had come to you with questions about your sermon? Would you have reacted the same way? I think we know the answer to that.

That summer, those who attended family camp came back full of fire. My Facebook was overrun with posts from young women declaring that the highest calling of a woman was to be a stay-at-home mom. I saw more pictures of that stupid umbrella hierarchy than I ever wish to see. This was the summer I became filled with a righteous anger about how other Christians were excusing and dismissing the abuse done by Josh Duggar. I even wrote a blog post entitled "The Danger of Defending the Duggars." I began doing some internet research, finding article after article about churches covering up abuse. I found examples of this in my own life, regarding people I care about. I posted these as a wake-up call for all Christians! We are to protect the weak! People come before buildings and organizations. A church member texted my husband about how he needs to reign in his wife, that I was attacking the church. No! I wanted to cleanse the church. You took on the mantle of peacemaker, and I fell for it. While you urgently assured me that the method of message was wrong, I didn't notice until a year later that you stood by his message.

Flash-forward about a year later. Our relationship was strained. You kept referring to me as "The Feminist," and you included feminism as an evil (which I have yet to find that verse in the Bible) in several sermons. I felt like I had been systematically ostracized from the church. I offered to help, and you and others pushed my offer aside. It happened again and again and again. At first I thought it was just you and the control-your-woman man (plus his wife) who had an issue with me (though neither of you ever said anything directly to me), but then I noticed that others in the church began keeping me at a distance. Those I had considered friends left me in the cold. I even felt it from my family members in the church. You participated in shunning me. Since you were the demigod of the church, the others followed you, blinded by loyalty.

I had (have) issues with how women were treated in the church. Females: kitchen or childcare. Males: preaching, music leading, prayer leading, offering collecting, handout passing, etc. Men are visible. Women are invisible. What bothered me the most was how women could not lead prayer. No women prayed aloud in front of adult men, yet male children were often asked to lead prayer in church. Our voices were silenced. We were not considered holy enough to lift our voices in prayer to the Savior who died for men and women. I studied this issue. I compiled Bible verses, looked up words in the original Greek, and came to you. I was so nervous. I told you that I thought the church was following tradition rather than scripture. I provided proof for my belief that women should pray aloud. You stopped me before my shaky voice could finish reading off the outline I had written. You then asked, again and again, "Do you think I'm a misogynist?" Your voice raised; your eyes flashed indignation. I stutter a reply, but you cut me off before I could say more. You growled that my feminism is clouding my Christianity (once again, using feminism as the "f-word"). You calmed down enough to tell me a story with a moral of: You shouldn't demand privilege. For a woman to lead prayer is a privilege in your eyes. A privilege denied by her gender and only her gender. You used your position of privilege as a man and as a pastor with unchecked power to dismiss, discredit, and dishearten a member of your flock.

My husband and I decided to quietly leave the church. I told you that I wouldn't gossip and cause drama, and I kept that promise. From what I gathered, you did not hold yourself to the same standards I did. A few weeks after we had been gone, you left Sunday School to seek out my mother in the nursery. My mother had been dealing with family emergencies all month and was physically and emotionally drained, and you thought she had snubbed you by not saying, "hi," that morning. You confronted her in a position of vulnerability: the nursery. You angrily proclaimed that you had standards and would not conform. She had no idea what you were talking about. You used your position of power in an attempt to intimidate and humiliate her. Would you have said this if her husband, the Sunday School teacher, was with her? No. You made sure of that. There were two also in the nursery who stood by silently. These women continue to proclaim that you are a "man of God." Your sin of spiritual abuse darkens their hands as well. 

Let's review: you dismissed abuse against females and instead implied that the abuser is a victim. You demeaned women for asking questions in a way you would never with a man. You allowed and implicitly encouraged the shunning of a church member who spoke out against injustice. You engaged in the spiritual abuse of a female church member because she was "[demanding]" the "privilege" of praying aloud in church. You hunted down a woman in your church in order to publicly shame her for no reason beyond her relation to me and because she didn't wave to you.

The definition of misogyny is: "dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women." The evidence is in. You are a misogynist.